Humor
Disclaimer: The lawyer jokes and true stories linked at the bottom of this page in no way reflect the humor or the personal opinions of any staff member here at Campbell Law Offices. We like to think we're a lot funnier than that.
Also, we prefer our jokes with good, clean humor. Preferably involving freshly baked pies, baseball, Mom's cooking, and sometimes soap. Good, clean humor.
That said, please click on a link below for your personal enjoyment.
Jokes
Here are some of our favorite jokes!
Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
Q. How many lawyer jokes are there?
A. Just two ... all the rest are true.
Q: What is a contingent fee?
A: A contingent fee means, if the lawyer doesn't win your case, he gets nothing. If the lawyer does win it, you get nothing.
Q: What's the difference between a bad lawyer and a good lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A. His lips are moving.
Q. How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture?
A. Just say "Fees!"
Q. What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of under 60?
A. Senator.
Q. "I hear you lost your court case. Did your lawyer give you bad advice?"
A. "No. He charged me for it."
Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Q. Why does the Bar prohibit lawyers from having sex with their clients?
A. To prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service.
Q. How many accident attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Three -- one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.
Q. What is a jury?
A. A collection of people brought together for the purpose of deciding which side has hired the better lawyer.
Q. What do you call 50 attorneys at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.
Q. What's black, brown, and looks good on an attorney?
A. A Doberman Pinscher.
Q. What's the worst thing about an attorney buried up to the neck in sand?
A. There's not enough sand.
Q. A lawyer falls into shark-infested waters, but isn't attacked. Why?
A. Professional Courtesy.
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that night and, three days later, she became his mother. Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you have his shoes.
The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you?" She asked. "I want to see Valerie," the man replied. "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else?" said the Madam. "No, I must see Valerie." He replied. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 per night. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still five thousand dollars. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night, the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied, "South Carolina." "Really?" she said, "I have family in South Carolina." "I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000.00 inheritance." The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: death, taxes, and being screwed by a lawyer.
In 1945, there was one lawyer in the United States for every 790 people. In 1970, there was one for every 572 Americans. By 1990, there was one lawyer for every 320 people. If this trend continues, every American will be a lawyer by the year 2027.
True Stories
What follows are true stories of people and the stupid things they have done, as applicable to probate law. We hope you enjoy what we have collected here.
Rock, Paper, Scissors Order
In 2006, a Judge in Orlando, Florida, granted the following order in order to resolve a dispute between two parties who seemed unable to come to an agreement outside of Court, and repeatedly came to Court in order to solve their problems, all to no avail. This is the true and accurate text of that Order.
"This matter comes before the Court on Plaintiff's Motion to designate location of a Rule 30(b)(6) deposition (Doc. 105). Upon consideration of the Motion - the latest in a series of Gordian knots that the parties have been unable to untangle without enlisting the assistance of the federal courts - it is ORDERED that said Motion is DENIED. Instead, the Court will fashion a new form of alternative dispute resolution, to wit: at 4:00 P.M. on Friday, June 30, 2006, counsel shall convene at a neutral site agreeable to both parties. If counsel cannot agree on a neutral site, they shall meet on the front steps of the Sam M. Gibbons U.S. Courthouse, 801 North Florida Ave., Tampa, Florida 33602. Each lawyer shall be entitled to be accompanied by one paralegal who shall act as an attendant and witness. At that time and location, counsel shall engage in one (1) game of "rock, paper, scissors." The winner of this engagement shall be entitled to select the location for the 30(b)(6) deposition to be held somewhere in Hillsborough County during the period July 11-12, 2006. If either party disputes the outcome of this engagement, an appeal may be filed and a hearing will be held at 8:30 A.M. on Friday, July 7, 2006 before the undersigned in Courtroom 3, George C. Young United States Courthouse and Federal Building, 80 North Hughey Avenue, Orlando, Florida 32801.
DONE and ORDERED in Chambers, Orlando, Florida on June 6, 2006.
A Louisiana Purchase
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client who lost his house in Hurricane Katrina and wanted to rebuild. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to the parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:
(Actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
(Actual Letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella.
"The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus ' expedition.
"Now the Pope, as I am sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.
"Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA.
"I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?"
He got the loan.
Euphemisms for Death
A race well run
Angels carried him/her away
Annihilated
Asleep in Christ
Ate it
Be all over with one
Be no more
Be taken
Bills of mortality
Bit the dust
Blew him/herself away
Bought the farm
Break one's neck
Breathe one's last
Breathed the last
Buy the farm
Called home
Came to an end
Cashed in
Catch one's death
Cease to breathe
Cease to live
Cessation of life
Changed form
Chant du cygne (French for swansong)
Checked out
Close one's eyes
Come to an untimely end
Come to dust
Consigned to earth
Croaked
Cross the bar
Cross the Stygian ferry
Crossed over Jordan
Curtains
Death doom
Death knocks at the door
Death song
Death stares one in the face
Debt of nature
Definitely Done Dancing
Depart this life
Departed
Departure
Die
Die a natural death
Die a violent death
Down dead
Drop dead
Drop into the grave
Drop off
Dropped the body
Dust to dust
Dying agonies
Dying breath
Dying day
Ebb of life
End of life
End one's days
End one's earthly career
End one's life
Ended it all
Eternal rest
Expire, Expired
Extinction of life
Fall dead
Fall down
Feeling no pain
Fell asleep in the arms of Jesus
Final chapter
Final curtain call
For whom the bell tolls
Found everlasting peace
Gave it up
Gave up the ghost
Getting Bagged
Give up the ghost
Go off
Go off the hooks
Go out like the snuff of a candle
Go the way of all flesh
Go to Davy Jones's locker
Go to one's last home
Go to one's long account
Go to the wall
God took him/her
Goes to his/her heavenly father
Gone to heaven
Gone to his/her reward
Hand in one's checks
Hand in one's chips
Hand of death
Hell's grim Tyrant
His/her time was up
Hop the twig
"I'm comin', Elizabeth"
In adamantine chains shall death be bound
In the arms of the Father
In the great beyond
It was curtains
Jaws of death
Join the greater number
Join the majority
Kick the bucket
Kicked the bucket
King Death
King of terrors
Knocking on heaven's door
Laid to rest
Last agonies
Last breath
Last gasp
Lay down one's life
Left this world
Left us
Life ebbs
Life fails
Life hangs by a thread
Liquidated
Lose one's life
Loss
Loss of life
Lost
Make one's will
Meet one's death
Meet one's end
Met his/her Maker
No longer with us
Offed himself/herself
On the heavenly shores
On the other side
On ice
One's days are numbered
One's doom is sealed
One's hour is come
One's race is run
Out of his/her misery
Pass in one's checks
Pass in one's chips [U.S.]
Passed away
Passed on
Passing
Pay the debt to nature
Perish
Perished
Pop off
Post mortem
Pushing up daisies
Quietus
Reached the finish line
Receive one's death warrant
Release
Relinquish one's life
Resign one's being
Resign one's breath
Resign one's life
Rest
Resting in peace
Returned to dust
Returned to the source
Rigor mortis
Rubbed out
Shadow of the Valley of Death
Shuffle off this mortal coil
Sink into the grave
Six feet under
Snuffed
Spake the grisly Terror
Step out
Stygian shore
Succumbed
Surrender one's life
Swan song
Taking the dirt nap
Terminated
That was all she wrote
The breath is out of the body
The grave closes over one
The lone couch of this everlasting sleep
Transcended
Translated into glory
Turn to dust
Turn up one's toes
Untimely end
Valley of death
Was a goner
Was done in
Wasted
Watery grave
Went to a new life
Went to his/her eternal reward
With the angels
Withered away
Yield one's breath
Yield up the ghost
Source: "Death and Dying Language" by Kristi A. Dyer MD, MS, FT for About.com
