Campbell Law Offices
1970 Broadway, Suite 625
Oakland, CA 94612-2227
(510) 832-0742
Jokes
Here are some of our favorite jokes!
- Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
- A: Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
- Q. How many lawyer jokes are there?
- A. Just two ... all the rest are true.
- Q: What is a contingent fee?
- A: A contingent fee means, if the lawyer doesn't win your case, he gets nothing. If the lawyer does win it, you get nothing.
- Q: What's the difference between a bad lawyer and a good lawyer?
- A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
- Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
- A. His lips are moving.
- Q. How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture?
- A. Just say "Fees!"
- Q. What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of under 60?
- A. Senator.
- Q. "I hear you lost your court case. Did your lawyer give you bad advice?"
- A. "No. He charged me for it."
- Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
- A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
- Q. Why does the Bar prohibit lawyers from having sex with their clients?
- A. To prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service.
- Q. How many accident attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
- A. Three -- one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.
- Q. What is a jury?
- A. A collection of people brought together for the purpose of deciding which side has hired the better lawyer.
- Q. What do you call 50 attorneys at the bottom of the ocean?
- A. A good start.
- Q. What's black, brown, and looks good on an attorney?
- A. A doberman pincher.
- Q. What's the worst thing about an attorney buried up to the neck in sand?
- A. There's not enough sand.
- Q. A lawyer falls into shark-infested waters, but isn't attacked. Why?
- A. Professional Courtesy.
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that night and, three days later, she became his mother.
women are so much better at estate planning than men.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you have his shoes.
The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you?" She asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else?" said the Madam.
"No, I must see Valerie." He replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 per night. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still five thousand dollars.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night, the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really?" she said, "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000.00 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: death, taxes, and being screwed by a lawyer.
In 1945, there was one lawyer in the United States for every 790 people. In 1970, there was one for every 572 Americans. By 1990, there was one lawyer for every 320 people. If this trend continues, every American will be a lawyer by the year 2027.
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